On the bed (third state).
Jean-Louis Forain, from Jean-Louis Forain, aquafortiste (Jean-louis Forain as etcher) vol. 2 part 1, by Marcel Guérin, Paris, 1912.
I haven’t known any other way to live my life
than to destroy all around me that is good
I spit on memories
and drag what were clean and polished picture books in my head
through the dirt and mud of my ego.
I cram dream, after dream,
all fluttering together.
so many pasts and futures carrying on
in a mason jar on my windowpane.
mushed together now, only a blur
of everything I have saved
and refuse to let go of.
Not even hungry just putting food in my mouth and chewing
Sometimes I can’t sleep because I am thinking about you and I need to get up to have a cigarette because I think that will help. Sometimes I wake up from dreams about you. Once I dreamt that you sent me every picture in your phone and I woke up in a panic. First I was happy then I was very afraid.
A lot of the things I don’t do, I don’t do them because people want me to do them.